This species is known as the OVER-THE-HILL PUNK. You may have smelled him before you saw him. That's because he's still wearing the same leather jacket he wore to the Mutants show at the Mabuhay Gardens in August of 1979. 
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RATSO'S SAFARI by Carl "Ratso" Russo Welcome to Ratso's Safari Jungle Cruise into the exotic world of College Radio! Here you will be taken behind the electric curtain to observe real-life volunteer Disc Jockeys in their natural habitat! Our attendants are double-checking your safety bar. If the reception on your headset turns to static, simply press the button labeled "Mono." Cameras are strictly forbidden but you may buy picture postcards, small or XL tee-shirts and collector spoons in the gift shop at the end of the ride. [Confidential to Fellow Deejays: These are composites! You know I love you!] We begin our journey by gliding through the gates of the modern college campus. Notice the many young, clean-cut types walking to class, taking cigarette breaks and socializing. Few of them are even aware that a radical radio station transmits in their midst. And even fewer would actually listen to it if they knew. These are known as STUDENTS. They are on the "fast track" to a career that will leave them little time to listen to a frequency not authorized by The Corporation. Hang on, everybody, as we cascade down the CHU-U-U-U-U-T-T-E!!! Wheeeeee! Yipes! What dark and eerie world have we fallen into? We're in the bowels of The Student Dorms. But look to your right! A gleaming, high-tech college radio station lights up behind a sheet of bullet-proof glass! Luckily, I have the code! Door open and voila! Just in time, too, because here comes our first College Radio Deejay! Keep your hands inside the boat at all times and please refer to your Species Field Guide chart laminated to the seat in front of you. Take a whiff! No, that's not me! Some of you may have smelled him before you saw him. That's because he's still wearing the same leather jacket he wore to the Mutants show at the Mabuhay Gardens in August of 1979. You are looking at a species known as the OVER-THE-HILL PUNK. He peppers his hardcore punk/garage/occasional ska show with poisonous rants about The Yuppies Who Have Taken Over, but will also play Eno. See how easily a Mohawk is maintained with male-pattern baldness? He takes requests as long as it's for Flipper. Our stage rotates and, hey! Dig dis diorama, dad! We've found ourselves in the lair of the RETRO HIPSTER FREAK. She's quite at home spinning the records your parents hated your grandparents for. Note her bloodshot eyes from closing the tiki bar last night and inhaling record store dust. And there's her Eight Is Enough lunch box stuffed with 45s. What's that we hear? A Japanese pop band sampling Burt Bacharach mixed with a birthing exercise record? Wow, that's weird! Please don't request Esquivel without specifying U.S. or Mexican recording. We say goodbye to Hipster and hello to...THE DEB. Witness how she comes of age on the radio. She's really a Student who has discovered a way to rebel against her rich folks even as they finance her education. Listen as she spends her mike breaks talking about cute boys from biology class, and making her friends read PSAs. After exhausting her favorite David Bowie and They Might Be Giants tracks she'll discover current music and become an Alternateen. For some reason the male Deejay will battle other males for a chance to take The Deb under his own wing. But she will most likely leave the nest when the semester is out. And here comes an authentic INDIE ROCKER! Not nearly as old as the Over-The-Hill Punk, he nevertheless sticks to his guns by programming "rawk" music. Hear that? He's playing The Archers of Loaf while cueing up the latest 7" by a band from Akron. Watch this, folks: "Oh, Indie! Remember when you told me how Kurt Cobain was the voice of your generation?" He hates it when I bring that up! Now. Who's brave enough to request some electronica from this bad boy? Any takers? Too late! Here's BEAT HEAD to save the day! You may have to turn down the bass control on your headsets to hear me. This guy is a "mad master mix m.c. mofo" who spins throbbing jungle music on the air, at the clubs, at the beach and on his home computer. Social custom requires the flamboyant attire. To the best of our knowledge the acronym BPM stands for Big Pants, Man. The Beat Head risks censure from other Deejays when he veers into techno. Wow! The ceiling opens over our heads and...well let the sun shine in! It's Drive Time. And it's time to meet THE STAR. There she is chatting up Joey Ramone! This famous, smooth-talking individual is also known as a HANGER-ON who plans her day job around her celebrityhood. She has endeared herself to every band, promoter, club owner and publicist in town. In fact, all guest lists have her name permanently printed on the master form. If her playlist is a little stale, don't worry! You'll love her personality! And joining our Star is THE SOCIALITE. She's here to put her name on tonight's Dub Narcotic guest list. In a few hours she'll be seen holding court at the bar, talking through the entire show. You'll notice her eclectic musical tastes. All those bands she's playing have slept at her house while on tour. Again, keep your hands inside the boat--this one's a big flirt. Hey, who turned out the lights? It must be 3 am. And that shadowy figure hovering over the blinking lights of the control console must be...THE PSYCHO. He only comes out at night to mix his evil. Hit your mute button, people, he just started a half-hour Molecules noise piece while he injects himself with a bad dose of pychotropic drugs. He's been broadcasting for years despite repeated warnings about playing the "F-word." Don't make eye contact with the creature because he hates you and... Duck, everybody! He's flinging his turds again! Let's get out of here! A tunnel! With fluorescent lighting at the end! Get a load of this glorious production studio! It's a fun factory of sounds made by expensive gadgets. And who is this sane-looking man behind the controls? Why, THE CAREERIST! He knows that 3 a.m. is the best time to make "demo tapes" of his show when no one is looking. Tapes that he will send out to real radio stations in the hope of being hired. Don't anybody tell him he'll spend his life bouncing from lame station to lame station with every format change. If he's lucky he'll get to make live appearances in a huge Pepsi motorhome and maybe become a TV weatherman. Oops! Sorry, folks. We'll have to take a small break while we wait for the boat in front of us to move ahead. Sometimes things back up a little. In the mean time, care to hear my Cagney impression? "YOU--YOU DIRTY RAT!" Thanks. Thank you very much. Okay! Off we go! We're back in the DJ studio, just in time for sunrise with THE RADICAL. He never removes his helmet because he's a "bicycle activist." If he had any listeners he could incite a riot against City Hall on most mornings. We're still not sure why he doesn't vote. And here they come! The NICHE PROGRAMMERS. They're a flying, family circus of multicultural fun! We believe that language they're speaking is Lithuanian. And how about that wild folk music? Think those little kids will throw away their cold fries? We'd better sneak out of here before they read the news! Up, up, up we climb, past the whirling, swirling records and CDs, through the Frank Kozik posters flashing by at one per second, zooming faster than the speed of music! The music! It's so loud! Who is that band? I RECOGNIZE IT! IT'S! AAAAAAAHHHH! Ha ha ha ha ha! Welcome back to the real world, folks! Please remain seated until the boat has come to a complete stop. Push your safety bar directly over your head and exit to the left. Tips are appreciated as I'm not paid. |
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